March 2014: Résumé goes viral

By February 26, 2014Barb Cohea, Senior Moments

I was lying in bed the other night when the dreaded hourglass nightmare showed up, again. It explodes into my dreams like the Hindenburg over New Jersey in 1937. Complete with flaming sands running out the time, it sports a dialog balloon over it saying, “your work-life left.” Tossing and twisting, strangled by my own sheets, I watch the sands run out and the balloon message change to “retirement money, $149.63.” I bolt upright and start looking for higher paying jobs in the morning.

Nowadays, when job hunting, the modern person uses the Worldwide Web. So I put myself out there. Or specifically my resume out there. And within days, I was everywhere. Getting offers from everyone to do everything. And none of it had a thing to do with anything I’ve ever done before.

Talk about a brave new world; all sorts of agencies wanted to turn me into a health, life, auto, burial or pet health insurance agent. I have potential, could make thousands of dollars working on c-o-m-m-i-s-s-i-o-n. Some of us were born to thrive on commission. I am not one of them. I’d be more successful if I became an organ grinder, dressed my cat up as a monkey and stood on the corner of East Clay Street in a Tyrolean hat.

On my resume, I looked so talented that websites were telling me I could be everything from an architect to a plasma center nurse. Wow! And that’s without experience.

Then my resume went viral. I started getting offers from all over the world, which I suppose is the purpose of the Worldwide Web. My favorites came from Poland, India and Russia where English is not their first language, bless their hearts. All involve receiving shipments of unnamed stuff that needs to be repackaged and then sent out from “the accessibility of a real postal address on the territory of the USA.”

Some of these companies are “permanently progressing” and therefore are “permanently in search of new co-workers.” I’d like to know what happened to their old co-workers. Are they in jail now? Other companies are only “swiftly progressing” and are also “always in search of new employees.” Is it better to be “permanently” or “swiftly” progressing? Another company boldly states that “to work successfully, we dispose of a lot of authorized agents functioning in many countries all over the world.” OK . . . is this spy-work? And how exactly do they dispose of their agents and why?

The Russians want me to be “energetic with the laptop” but at the same time “amenable to discipline” and able to do “self-assembly.” Sounds like Vladimir Putin wrote this one. Maybe he’s running a bootleg Ikea furniture distribution. But he is so manly; didn’t he wrestle a bull bare-chested? There is something to be said for “achieving practice in present-day company.” Would this be in HIS company or in his COMPANY? Believe me, it makes a difference.

Yikes! All this job hunting is just giving me a big, bad AMERICAN headache.


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