by Celia Rivenbark
A few years ago, I wrote a column about how unfair it is that men get all the credit for a successful summer cookout when the only thing they actually do is (1) go buy the ice and, OK, that was it; there is no (2). Women really loved that column. I still get stopped every now and then and thanked for writing it, which makes me feel heroic, not in a “Saving Private Ryan” type of way but more on the order of the small-town politician who casts the deciding vote for a traffic light to be installed near the liquor store. Hey, I’ll take my adulation wherever I can get it. #notproud.
So now that we’re in the heart of vacation season, it seems like a good time to revisit some of “My favorite differences between men and women and why we are just, well, frankly better.”
Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best husbands have been men. I’m very fond of them in general but, let’s face it, when it comes to planning a family vacation, men are pretty much going to, you guessed it, get the ice. And even that is useless if you’re flying somewhere. If you think the TSA hates little tubes of hair gel, just watch them go bat-poo crazy when you show up with 40 pounds of ice.
A survey of my women friends confirms that, this year as every year, they’re doing almost all the planning for the summer vacation. I say “almost” because one did brag that her husband was in charge of buying amusement park tickets in advance so they could skip the long lines. Do you want to break it to her or shall I? He forgot to do that and so now you must line up in the heat. That cute romper you got at TJ Maxx is now sweat-glued to your butt, and you will have to be cut out of it by paramedics. Another line.
Here’s a list to clip and save detailing who does what so there will be minimal confusion. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
SHE: Makes all the hotel, flight and attractions reservations; arranges pet-sitter for family dog and bird and fish; packs suitcases for all family members; stops newspaper and mail delivery; tells trustworthy neighbors about trip dates in case they see suspicious activity around empty house; makes sure burglar alarm is working properly and that lights are on a timer or invests in smart home app that can be used remotely; empties refrigerator of all perishables; makes sure prescriptions are up to date and packed for all family members; gets haircuts for kids; reminds hubby he needs one and you have a coupon; packs chargers for all phones, video cameras, etc.; packs sunscreen, first aid kit and collapsible water bottles in easily accessible bag; updates Last Will and Testament (optional).
HE: Goes to Great Clips. Forgets coupon. Lies about using it when asked.
Rivenbark is the author of seven humor collections. Visit her website at www.celiarivenbark.com. ©2016 Celia Rivenbark. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.