October 2013: Summer is in the air

Summer camp ain’t what it used to be, which is woefully evident from a story that hit the news a few weeks back. Innovative teen pranksters somewhere in the not-too-deep woods of Maryland gave Camp Wo-To-Me a whole new meaning when they mixed f-a-r-t spray with deer repellent and sprayed it into the air-conditioning duct of their cabin. Within seconds Camp Wo-To-Me became Camp WOE-to-Me and personally, since this happened at a Bible Camp, I prefer the more formal Camp Woe-UNTO-Me.

Reading this the first thing I thought was air-conditioning? At summer camp? In a camp cabin? For kids? Second: Somebody out there makes f-a-r-t spray in a can?

When the Germans invented cow flatulence (aka manure) in a can I knew it wouldn’t be long before some enterprising American came up with people in a can, too.

I digress, but I think you should know exactly what the unsuspecting campers in cabin “OMG” were up against. Since I have a pretty hefty science background and do know how to work “The Google,” I decided to further investigate the rapidly expanding (yep meant to say it) gaseous emissions product line. Here’s the scoop. F-a-r-t spray is a benign though unpleasant rotten eggy smelly faux the-real-thing that comes in an aerosol can and once sprayed dissipates quickly.

Then there is the top product known as L_q_i_ A_s. I will refer to it as L.A. L.A. is a vile combination of all things that smell like the worst latrine in the bowels of hell because in hell no one has to clean the latrines. Hence the name hell and L.A. is what the kids had.

L.A. stands alone as a formidable weapon. But in combo with some of the more odiferous deer repellents . . . we’re comparing fireworks to an atomic bomb.

With L.A., a little dab will do ya, and the long-lasting smell spreads like a wild fire. This provides for a stealth advantage. No running through a mess of sleeping campers, deer repellent in one hand, f-a-r-t spray in the other getting all kinds of blowback on yourself and being easily identified by your victims. Nope, all these perps (as they say in the cop trade) had to do was approach the air-conditioning duct feeding the whole cabin with air that’s been conditioned and poof, dab, spritz, spritz. All hell broke loose.

Campers running all squinty-eyed, screaming, gagging, and holding their noses. Then in the midst of chaos a lone teenager possessing superior intelligence emerged and ran to the door opening it to the outside.

Twenty-plus campers fell into the great outdoors, wherein had they been camped this would NOT have happened. Because kids go nowhere without their cell phones the local police department was inundated with 20 plus 911 calls. Have you noticed police are not stupid? Not wishing to get too close they called the local HazMat Team instead, who arrived looking prepared for a nuclear reactor meltdown. Apparently deodorizing teens and hosing down folks exposed to radioactive fallout are very similar.

Maids say it will take weeks and many cases of Febreze to get the remaining smells out of the sofa cushions and draperies. Leaving the adults plenty of time to contemplate the wisdom of a camp with air-conditioned cabins vs. tents with cots.