April 2014: Interfering with a cow

SONY DSCWhether you’re married or single, as we age it can get harder and harder to find a date. I think that may be what happened to 61 year-old David Dingle. Nose hairs getting in the way of eating, tufts of fur growing out the ears, eyebrows the size of a bushy chipmunk tail running across the entire lower half of the forehead. To be fair, women can have the old man thing too, it’s just we do something about it.

I’m figuring David was suffering from one or more of the above and being a guy, rather than reaching out for help, he sought out cows.

It was September in the United Kingdom, the hottest summer on record. Which means even those well-mannered Brits might go all cockamamie-loopy. Combining that with an alcoholic beverage, David found himself in the country, in a field with cows, sheep and a picnicking couple with a camera 2.5 football fields away on a hill from which they could see quite a bit, but the pictures were deemed inconclusive in court.

David is an IT worker, and had no experience with farm animals. David also never saw the couple snapping shots because his attention was elsewhere. He got all “nekid” and laid down in the grass. He waited for something to happen. Cows are not stupid and so nothing did.

Next, David brazenly approached several cows attempting to excite interest. He danced, he pranced, he dangled. Indeed, he was very close to cow teeth. The outcome could have been worse than horrific embarrassment and a trip to jail.

Let’s get one thing straight. No matter what David says, he WAS rejected by the cows, and no one believes he was shooing the animals to take a “nekid” nap in the grass. The whole REJECTION is entirely why he then visited the sheep. Having watched the cows spurn him, the sheep were all like “What are we? Chopped liver?” I can’t blame them. How’d you like to be the rebound sheep? He did refine his technique. He used hand signals and gestures, even sign language, but he still struck out.

The only good thing about this adventure was the entertainment it provided the jury. Three days of hysterical laughter, squirming around in their seats all red-faced while the judge begged them to stifle themselves and act like they were stuffy British adults.

Ultimately David was found guilty of “outraging the public decency” but not guilty of . . . “interfering with a cow.” As you can imagine, the cows are very unhappy. And who has an “interfering with a cow” charge anyway? Did the prosecutor over-reach? How about an ATTEMPTED “interfering with a cow” charge? The sheep, who wanted a charge of “interfering” with them as well, aren’t happy either.

In their post-trial interview, they said if David comes back, they’ll go vigilante all over him.

Just so you know, I have changed the name of our perpetrator because, bless his heart, don’t you think he’s suffered enough?

 

For more humor, visit www.BarbaraCohea.com, or email her at barbaracohea@gmail.com.